Perseverance Through Panic Prevails

Anxiety Busting Challenge ~ Day 22

Welcome to day 22 of the Anxiety Busting Challenge!

Today I am honored to share with you Mira Jamadi. As I read Mira’s story of her journey through anxiety, in parts it felt like I was reading my own journey. And her belief that anxiety is a gift and that she wouldn’t be who she is without it, is exactly how I feel. I really enjoyed reading Mira’s story and I hope you do too. Enjoy!

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Perseverance Through Panic Prevails by Mira Jamadi

 

Anxiety Story

Right after my graduation from NYU, I had my first panic attack. I know that the trigger was a traumatic conflict with my mother the day after my graduation that spiraled out of control beyond my comprehension.

 

For a very long time after that—years—I didn’t stop having panic attacks and I stopped sleeping. I lived in nonstop anxiety, panic, agoraphobia, and eventually depression, as I couldn’t rationalize living if this was going to be my life.

 

At that time—1995—panic and anxiety disorders were not well known as they are today.  I saw several doctors and had everything checked out. I really panicked when one doctor suggested I might have a growth in my brain, as my symptoms included not being able to see or hear at times. No one could figure out what was wrong with me. Some people believed nothing was wrong with me, that I was making the whole thing up. I thought I was going crazy.

 

My roommate saw an ad in the newspaper for a drug study at Columbia University. It was the first time that I had ever seen a list of the symptoms that I was experiencing. It’s something that I would never do now, but back then I was desperate for some help and for some answers. I went and was accepted to the study, took a lot of medication and felt better. But then the study was over and the panic came back.

 

This was a general low period in my life and there were some very, very low spots.  Living in New York City and working in a restaurant couldn’t be worse for someone with panic. I remember having to hold on the backs of customer’s chairs while taking an order as I thought I was going to pass out at any moment.

 

Subways were a nightmare, obviously. I remember one particularly awful subway ride where I couldn’t see anymore. I was conscious, but everything was black. It was terrifying. I tried to take the bus as often as possible, but even the slow moving bus was too much movement for me—forget about standing at the front of the bus where I could see all the traffic out in front of me.

 

Life was unbearable. Without knowing it, I was perpetuating my state of anxiety by drinking coffee and smoking like a chimney. My logic was that I felt that I could not wake up. I felt like I was living in a dream/nightmare state. I thought that the stimulation would wake me up. I started to drink a lot. It felt like at least I had some sort of control over myself when I had some alcohol in me. I also dabbled in other drugs to see if they would help me. I think that I also wanted to destroy myself.

 

At one point, my dad took me to Indonesia on a delivery flight—he worked for Mc Donnell Douglas Aircraft and we were delivering a brand new plane to Garuda Indonesia—the national airline. I was really excited to get out of the city, but I wasn’t sure how my anxiety would be affected. Oh, it was affected. First, I couldn’t even walk across the tarmac to get to the plane without totally freaking out. I literally had to hold on to my dad’s arm. Arriving at the airport was worse. My dad had to push me on a baggage cart—I was around 23/24 years old. By the end of the trip, I had to close myself into a dark room and hide under the blankets. We didn’t know what to do. My dad brought me to a healer and then to the hospital where they did a brain scan and gave me some drugs.  The drugs helped and then ran out.

 

I didn’t have any medical insurance and couldn’t pay for all of the tests I needed and I couldn’t keep seeing specialists who didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was feeling totally stranded, totally isolated, and totally abandoned. There was only one person who showed me any concern whatsoever and that was my roommate. I don’t know why, I can not explain this and it’s taken me years to come to peace with it, but not one person in my family, not my parents, not my sisters (one sister was very young, so I didn’t expect anything from her), not my boyfriend (eventually my husband, then ex-husband), supported me in any way—except when my dad brought me to the hospital in Indonesia, but then the support was done. When my dad described to other people what happened in Indonesia, he chuckled about it. I had no one. I was in this black hole with only myself to figure things out. Later on my boyfriend supported me to a certain extent, but I don’t think that he ever believed that my panic was real.

 

Somehow I managed to hold jobs, and get by, although it meant really strange behavior like running home from the grocery store because I would have a panic attack in the street otherwise. The grocery store itself was a nightmare. I could barely stand in line to pay without having to hold on to something.

 

Somehow I managed to have a relationship. My boyfriend from high school and I both left California to go to school in New York. Then he got a job back in California, in Hollywood and I eventually followed, relieved to be out of New York and hoping to find peace in California. I didn’t really. We lived in Hollywood. My condition became so bad that I couldn’t drive, I could barely stand to take the bus, I couldn’t cross the street, and eventually, I couldn’t leave the house.

 

Finally, I got health insurance and went to see a doctor. By this time there were commercials for panic and anxiety on TV and I was sure that that’s what I had. The doctor gave me anti-depressants and some kind of Valium type drug. It was heavy stuff.  I was so willing to take the drugs, as all I could hope for was some relief. And how I was relieved. When the drugs started to take effect, I just slept and slept and oh how I welcomed that sleep. I hadn’t had peaceful sleep in years. I remember being so happy that I was able to be a bit loopy, to forget things, to not worry all the time.

 

So, I was on medication, I started seeing a psychologist and things were much better.  But—there’s always a but—I knew deep inside of me that the drugs were not the solution. I knew that there was deep, deep suffering going on inside of me. I knew that there was a natural way to heal even if I didn’t know what that way was.

 

 

For a long time I cursed my panic and anxiety disorder. I cursed the people who didn’t help me. I felt that I had wasted years of my life paralyzed in fear, unable to get my life going. I now know that my soul signed up for this illness. It took this illness for me to reach down into the deepest, darkest, depths of my being to find a way out. To come out of panic and depression even with the use of medication, requires an enormous amount of willpower, focus, and courage.

 

When I finally began to function normally, as in I could drive again, as in I could go out of the house again, I was so relieved. But over time, I realized that I had just made it to “functioning.” I had just made it to “getting by,” to handling a life with panic. I felt, however, that “functioning” was not where I was supposed to be. If I was able to muster up enough willpower, focus, and courage to get me out of the hole to a functioning, I could use that same intensity to push me to radiance. I knew that I wanted a radiant life.

 

Since I had been a dancer, I liked to keep myself pretty flexible. Somehow I made the connection between being flexible and yoga. I had never been exposed to yoga, so I don’t know where this notion came from. All I wanted to do was to stay flexible.

 

I began to practice yoga from a Kundalini Yoga video. It was pretty out there and I wasn’t ready for it. I dabbled here and there in the yoga world, but it took me a few years to start a regular practice. I remember saying to a friend that I was interested in yoga for the physical part, but I wasn’t at all interested in the spiritual part!

 

By the time that I did have a regular practice at a local studio where I lived, I also began to see an Ayurvedic doctor to have additional support. It was in Ayurveda where I discovered the notion of living according to natural rhythms. I learned to adjust everything from my food to my activities according to the time of year to the time of day.  I have the greatest affection for Ayurveda as it gave me the tools not only to heal, but also to create peace within and the hope that I can live a radiant life.

 

After some time, I outgrew the yoga that was available to me in my city. I started to get really bored and frustrated in these yoga classes. I felt that there must be something more.  I saw the potential in yoga to go to fantastic levels, but I couldn’t find it. I nearly quit yoga altogether.

 

Then, my husband found a yoga studio in Venice Beach and showed me the teacher list.  There was a name that I’d seen before—Shiva Rea.  All I knew about her was that she’d made some yoga DVDs. I decided to check her out.

 

My first class with Shiva Rea was a turning point. Although I didn’t quite make the turn until some time later, I knew that something was going to shift. Frankly, I was frightened.  I saw in Shiva the strong, creative, beautiful, loving woman that I knew that I was deep inside, but had never seen the light of day. I was so freaked out that I didn’t go back to Shiva’s class for quite some time.

 

Eventually, my (second) husband bought me a teacher-training module with Shiva for my birthday. I was insanely nervous, but I knew that I had to do it. It was absolutely terrifying. By the end of the training, four days later, I was in utter bliss—not the kind of peaceful, Buddha smiling bliss, but a bliss that was vibrating wildly throughout my whole being. I had found it. I had found the spiritual practice that I was searching for all along.  I had found the path that was going to lead me to ME.

 

 

The Golden Nugget

When I distill all of the work, teachings, and practices that I have experienced, I come to one simple, yet profound conclusion:  If the dancing Universe—the macrocosm–is awesome, incredible, powerful, and miraculous, and I—the microcosm–am made of the same stuff as the Universe, then I too am awesome, incredible, powerful, and miraculous.  This is a huge statement for me, as it seems to contradict a lot of things that I grew up believing about myself as most of the messages that I received about me, were messages about everything that was wrong with me.

 

And to push things a bit further, I find deep comfort knowing that in the end there is no me, actually. There is no separation between me and anything else in existence. There is only ONE.

 

The Challenge

My challenge for you was my biggest, scariest challenge. That challenge is to look deep within yourself with eyes wide open, in full honesty and take a look at what is truly going on in your life. Find the courage to look into the void in order to bring to surface what you already know-what things need to be changed, and what about you is already perfect.  When I challenged myself to be truly honest with myself, I found that my absolute biggest fear was the knowing that I am actually a Great Being. Sounds crazy to be afraid of that. But what that meant was that I was going to have to release certain relationships in my life. I was most likely going to have to have some intense emotional conversations/arguments. I was going to have to defend my right to not only exist on this planet, but to live as the brilliant being that I truly am.

 

It’s been sixteen years now since I had my first panic attack. I still have little episodes from time to time, but I know now that they usually come when I haven’t had enough sleep or I’m hungry. The episodes are quite mild, compared to their level of intensity in the past. I know that before I incarnated into this life, I signed up to live through this experience. My soul needed an intense situation as a springboard for me to launch myself into greatness. I truly believe that every person with anxiety has been given an amazing gift. It’s like a doorbell that keeps ringing, keeps reminding you that all you need to do is open the door and you can allow your own greatness to walk right into your experience.

 

I am most grateful for having gone through and emerging from panic. I am most grateful for my disorder. Without it, I might have ended up having a very normal, but banal life.

 

 

About Mira: Practically dancing out of the womb, I have been drawn to movement ever since I can remember.  Originally from Southern California, I was fortunate to be surrounded by dance from cultures all around the world.  After dance injuries left me unable to continue to dance, I was naturally drawn to yoga, as my body still needed to find its expression.  I quickly discovered that yoga not only allowed me to continue physical expression, it also healed my soul.

After a couple of years practicing various forms of yoga, I started to become unsatisfied and feeling unfulfilled with yoga.  I knew that yoga could be so much more than the practices I was finding around me.  When I took Shiva Rea’s class for the first time, I knew that I had found the yoga practice that my cells were searching for.

A Prana Flow certified teacher, mentor in Shiva’s teacher training program, and assistant to Shiva for workshops and teacher trainings, I am also the creator of Mining the Mandala and the Into the Gold program, a step by step process to reveal and realize your year of intentions. You can learn more here: http://www.IntoTheGold.com.

 

image provided by Mira